Escape from "George-town"

By the age of 15 there were stirrings of the questions I would later ask, but for now they were buried by guilt and thus denied the benefit of honest inquiry. About that time the daughter of a family I hardly knew, but with whom my parents had lived for months, perhaps a year, came East to attend the same boarding school. Not having grown up with the other kids in the school, she was novel and she was also genuinely different for having grown up in Canada. Circumstances allowed us the opportunity to visit privately without the need for secrecy, and before too many weeks, a mutual crush had developed. But this crossed a line--the no-dating-until-after-high-school rule--and ultimately was coupled with my expressed doubts to justify my expulsion from boarding school.

There you go. That's one of my truly dark secrets; I was kicked out of boarding school.

By then my parents, with my two youngest brothers, then 9 and 3, had suffered the same fate, expulsion. Within months my remaining two brothers, ages 13 and 11, were also home. In retrospect this is fantastic, as I knew families still unable to contact sons and daughters who had forsaken "father and mother" for "the sake of the kingdom of God." Total BS, but that's how the conditioning makes you think.

I landed at Keene High School for the last 2 months of my junior year of high school and the whole of my senior year. I flourished academically because of discipline that had been instilled in boarding school. The first 3 days were overwhelming though, as I made the switch from 40 students in 1st through 12th, with my own class of 5, I think, to a high school with nearly 1800 students from 9th through 12th, and a graduating class of about 380.

My religious convictions gave me stability and a compass in this sea change. Here it seemed simple and clear; I was a Christian and (almost) everyone else was not, so decisions to form attachments or to be involved in activities were generally easy to make. Some of my choices then I wouldn't make now, but in general religion helped me survive psychologically without making me unduly mean or offensive, I think.

And at KHS I encountered the expectation of going to college for the first time in my life. That topic will be the starting point for my next entry.

Until then, peace. John

In the beginning

God created the heavens and the earth ("he made the stars also"-one of the great understatements of the Bible) is what I was told from my earliest memories. Awesome! Seemed reasonable. I mean, someone had to make all that stuff. A lot of the stuff I saw and worked with every day was made by someone too.

So for a long time it seemed reasonable that science was the study of God's work. But in a Christian school run by a community as committed to holy living as the one I attended, the concept of evolution was never seriously explored. Oh, we were told what it said in VERY limited detail, but just enough so we would understand how ungodly a way of thinking it was, how anti-biblical. No, it was enough to accept the Word of God in this matter. Besides it was far more important that we live a holy life, a life dedicated to pleasing God, by wholeheartedly pursuing him, by pureness in word and deed.

A lot was good about this regimen. We had the opportunity to learn a great deal of self-sufficiency living in a community that developed their own skilled laborers, going outside for training, but not for employees. Probably I benefitted more than others since by aptitude I was inclined toward technology, but the fact is I did benefit a lot. Oddly, that self sufficiency, that "mantra" repeated over and over of "think and pray" that applied to corporal and temporal decisions did not carry over into matters of the soul, spiritual matters.

In this arena George was God's vicar in the community. Not by title, mind you. And none would had admitted to it so baldly, I think. But the fact remained that he ran the show. If George pronounced for God on some matter, that was the last word. To argue with George was to earn shaming, isolation, or expulsion. My mom spent almost a year as a single parent while my dad wandered the eastern seaboard of the US "seeking God" because he had dared to confront George about his living arrangement with a young woman though he was legally married to a woman not in the community. Nowadays this sort of thing is somewhat more acceptable socially, but even now in most churches that claim to base their teaching on the Bible this would be considered an egregious transgression of God's moral law.

That year, at the age of 7, I learned from my mom how to use a sewing machine and made a pair of pajamas for my teddy bear. I also embroidered a simple needlepoint picture my dad sent as a gift. (See, I told you I was inclined toward technology.) Dad eventually did return, but this was not the last of his confrontations with George, and I'm proud to say that he never did give up his convictions so much that he got lost and swallowed up by the Charmer.

I have to stop now. This is going to be a ramble through my Christian past to the point of my eventual disillusionment with and deconversion from Christianity. It is my first attempt to chronicle my faith journey. Mostly I expect it will be from memory, so some who have known me a long time might on occasion find reason to challenge some bit of the narrative. What I do not think will be in error is the substance of the story, the sequence of faith experiences.

I hope that this story will be interesting to any who bother to read it. And if you so bother, thank you. If you find it interesting, or have questions, I would be glad to hear from you.

Until the next time, then....

Memoirs of an ex-Christian: Evolution and me: a personal story (part 1)

From Memoirs of an ex-Christian: Evolution and me: a personal story (part 1)

This should be an interesting read. So far the story sounds similar to my own.

"Don't Kill Babies"

Yesterday my country chose a new President, one who I consider to offer at least the hope that he is much his predecessor has not been. He appears to be thoughtful, inclusive, steady, outstanding qualities for anyone who not only carries the title and the duties of President of the United States, but is also around the Globe considered to be Leader of the Free World. These qualities stand, in my view, in sharp and desirable counterpoint to much of the past eight years of leadership that has often appeared to be more about bravura, rash nationalism, and almost juvenile ego-driven reaction to insults, real or perceived.

I watched the mounting election results for hours leading up to what for me was the joyful announcement that Barack Obama had achieved a resounding and insurmountable count of electoral votes, and enough to secure the election for him despite whatever changes the still uncounted ballots might produce in the overall numbers. The election was peaceful in spite of, and in part because of, record voter turnout, without high-profile legal wrangling or acrimonious charges of deception and fraud or other immoral or illegal activity by either (or any) party. John McCain's concession speech was a credit to himself, and I found myself admiring him for its tone and apparent genuineness. And Barack Obama's acceptance speech was both celebratory and conciliatory, expressive of clear vision for his political party but in the larger context of the good of the whole country, inclusive and principled, exultant for the achievement and a realistic acknowledgment of the challenges still to be surmounted for the good of all citizens of this country.

I confess to tears in my eyes as I listened again to an orator who touched me again with the soaring language of inspiration and hope without sending me flying free from the realities of our very real and indeed sometimes dark challenges, as he has before. I knew or suspected members of my family were not supporters of this candidate, but I was still jarred when one family elder responded this morning to my excitement, saying he was certainly charismatic, but "...he kills babies."

My reaction shows perhaps my own need for growth in attitudes of inclusiveness, as it was almost vehemently that I replied that there is so much more to a candidate than the position on a single issue, and that supporting freedom of choice is not even close to the same thing as killing babies. But I had been awake all night and was too tired to attempt a steady debate at that point.

But now, after a few hours of sleep, I am earnest to put down in writing my thoughts about this viewpoint. How is it that one single idea like this is able to outweigh so many good attributes and positions? Does holding an anti-abortion position really trump views that include acknowledgment that we as a country are involved in at least one war in which we have no honest justification for engagement, that too many Iraqis have died at the hands of our war machine, that we have a responsibility to affect our (global) environment in a way that does not do harm to the rest of, or even some of, the world we all live in? Does holding an anti-abortion position trump profession of the conviction that it is obscene and destructive to our country that something like 90% of the wealth in the nation is held by a mere 10% of its citizens? (Even this is misleading, as the more telling number is that something like 70% of the wealth of this nation is held by only 1% of its citizens, which makes the other 9%--90% of that first 10%--seem almost poor themselves by comparison.)

I think not.

And I think the idea that someone who supports the right of women to choose abortion if they want it is as immoral as someone who actually "kills babies" is obscene. Life might indeed begin at conception, but personhood is something that requires, in my opinion, more that mere successful fertilization of an egg. I know women who've had abortions. I know of none who are actually happy to admit it. Yes, this is anecdotal information, not scientific evidence. But the fact remains that merely allowing the possibility for something does not guarantee that the option will be chosen in all or even many of the cases where it is allowed, while actively prohibiting something that many citizens want to reserve to their own selves to chose creates the conditions for rebellion, strife, violence and serious danger in some cases.

If my daughter were ever in the situation to have to make the choice for or against an abortion, I want her to have the legal freedom to make that choice on the basis of what she perceives to be best in that situation. If women have the freedom to chose, that means they have the freedom to chose to keep the baby as well. And even at their own peril, I believe women usually will chose that option rather than its alternative (yes, in this case there is no either-or fallacy).

I agree with the enjoinder "Don't Kill Babies." But "killing babies" is not nearly the same thing as permitting women the freedom to exercise their own conscience and choice in their own particular set of circumstances.

Yesterday

I'm up early, after lying in bed awake for almost an hour. So I made some guacamole, sliced a tomato, and made sandwiches with bakery rolls for breakfast. Accompanied with cold cider, it was a feast.

Last night I barely finished 40 billable hours for last week, and this morning I get to start all over again. Additionally, there are bills to be paid, children to be gotten off to school, and other paperwork to do for business, some of which doesn't move the client's work forward at all.

Increasingly I find the question "what's it all for" nagging at the corners of my mind. Even when I sit down with Karen or take time for play with Julia and Kris there is a combined sense of both duty in the moment and pressure to get on to the next thing. Not every time, but far too often, in my opinion. And also too often I'm so tired that stopping like that is just a segue into sleep.

Yesterday I slept a lot. I was just about to leave for the grocery store about 10am when Karen sent a text message request for tea. So I made a cup for us both and we shared a few minutes before kids and cats also came to join us. Then I napped for a while. I woke, then slept again. Shortly after 3pm I received a call from my client's project manager in Japan, so I spent the next hour taking and making phone calls, reviewing drawings, and sorting out field changes for the construction project. Finally I got to discuss the grocery list with Karen, but by now Karen really did need to eat, so I cooked more noodles and heated left over Beef Borginion, and fixed some dinner for the kids as well. Once Julia and Kris had food, I took plates into the bedroom for Karen and me. We ate and watched an episode of "Real Time with Bill Maher".

Most of the day I'd been just too tired to wake up and do anything. Finally I was awake, had a grocery list, had everyone fed, and was ready to go to the grocery store. As many times as I'd already put Julia off from the trip to the store, it would have been too cruel to tell her she had to stay home now. And anyway, it wasn't yet time to ready for bed. So Julia, Kris, and I headed off to Kroger shortly after 7pm. Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, the kids were in bed by 9pm--a bit late, but OK. I did a bit more work, then just took some time for myself before finally going to bed.

This is background information; I don't know how I want to put the real point of the post in words yet, so that will have to be another post I guess. But I think the stage must be in place for proper context or the communication isn't so clear.

Initiation

Blogs! The proliferation is astounding, and very few in all must be worth reading. So why start another?

First of all, I suppose that like many others I want the opportunity to express in my own voice. I do not hope for huge readership, but I do hope to be read. As I have benefited in little ways from others' blogs, I hope I may be of some benefit to at least a few others.

Also this seems to be a good method, and format, for working out one's own thoughts in front of an audience. Precisely because the size is unknown, it is possible, I think, to write to an audience without the fullness of the challenges that make being in front of an actual audience so daunting and so (comparatively) rare.

It is my intention to cover various subjects on this blog, all of which will probably be related to the life I experience. I am a husband and father, a son and brother, an employee and business owner, a well spouse and caregiver, a friend, an engineer, and tired :-).

So I hope that you find what develops here worth following and reading. I hope we gain some clarity and common ground together. And I hope we, and I especially, have a good time doing it.